It seemed a perfectly fitting memorial. My problem was I thought of several things I was already scheduled to do that were acts of kindness. Well, those did not seem to count - they would have occurred anyway. What was big enough, or special enough, or not premeditated enough, or planned enough to count as the act of kindness for Bob? While I was trying to figure this out, I noticed that my family members were irritating and pissing me off in any number of ways which was leaving me feeling very justified in responding in snarly ways. That when it felt like they were standing on my "emotional shoes" that I felt quite justified in getting them "off" my shoes. I certainly was not acting in kindness towards them. Oh Bob, I hear you calling.
However, this was not as easy as it seemed. I would notice time and again, after not being kind that I had forgotten my resolve. This is really very embarrassing for a Quaker. Hardly, walking over the earth answering cheerful to others, huh? In fact, I do not think I have enough consecutive hours in, to in anyway, to say I have honored Bob yet.
So today in Meeting for worship I was reflecting on this, trying to understand the problem and how I can get a handle on this and turn it around. I was also aware of it being 9/11 and my feelings of judgment of this country that in our grief over 3,000 dead, we have caused the deaths many times over of American soldiers, Iraqi and Afghani soldiers and thousands of civilians. I realized that just like me, this country in its pain and vulnerability reacted to protect itself and feels justified in doing so. As I continued to wrestle with this, I saw the part of me that I feel I need to defend, a hurt little girl, and I mentally could pick her up and put her on God's lap. From that vantage point I could feel the peace from which to be loving, compassionate and kind. I hope that our country too can find its way to God's lap.
