Integrity

 Recently I was invited in worship sharing to visit the topic of Integrity.   Most of my Quaker life this has seemed  very straightforward Quaker topic.  I have felt quite clear about the importance of telling the truth and found it pretty easy to tell the truth.  I have listened to the Quaker imperative to tell truth to power and even found that fairly easy to do.

However I saw in this round of queries that living in a country that has been plunged into a crisis about truth by 4 years plus after shade of a President who has told a record number of lies and who responds to being caught in a lie by telling another one, has worn on all of us.  Between him and the Fox news propaganda machine ideas like "alternative facts" that at first seemed like a bad joke to me have become sadly quite common place situations in our polarized country. We are not all looking at the same facts or even the same sources of information.  In a country that has never really achieved scientific literacy we seem unclear about how you test something for truth.  

I also recently listened to a podcast that talked about confirmation bias and how when something questions our position we dig in tougher on it - so that means right now a very polarized country.  Even as certain very damning facts come out about the former Presidents illegal behavior I despair that it will not cause reevaluation of his behavior but dig some folks in even deeper.  I despair that if a fact cannot uproot a lie, how will wed uproot the conspiracy lies and mythologies that have a solid hold on 1/3 of our country?

But I also see that someone I have respected has put forth the idea that we do not own oppressive systems the truth - especially if they will only use it to further the oppression.   I think of how in Nazi countries Jews were required to register.  Most obeyed because they were being truthful.   But the ones who did not tell the truth to the authorities were the ones mostly that survived.  What is the truth in the hands of those who do not serve the truth?

I also have reviewed with much sadness the numerous times I have told groups of people/institutions truths that I knew they were not happy to hear, but that I believed it would serve the group to know or improve itself - only to see that this was received with anger, disregard or actual persecution.  I am realizing this is another one of my "internalized Quakerism" traits that outside of Quakerism is not expected or well received.   I think it still makes sense to testify to the Truth - to make public testimony to the truth of the Arms race, Climate Change, sexism and racism.   And I am rock solid clear that to tell an untruth when it would cause wrong things to happen is unacceptable.  To tell a lie to cover my own bad choice or make me look good is also not ok.  But I am questioning whether it makes sense to tell people who don't want to hear it that the way we run our organization is not effective, or has unintended consequences or wastes money, etc. etc. if that serves any question.  Does it make sense to give "true feedback" when it is unwanted feedback?

Quaker Parenting

This article appeared in Friends Journal in the April 2015 issue.

By: Lynn Fitz-Hugh & Sara Alice Grendon

My daughter, age 16, is a dyed-in-the-wool Quaker.  Other Quaker parents are often very curious how I pulled this off.  To me one of the most significant things is that from her birth, I felt I was steward of a spiritual being, a soul sent into my care and nurture.

I noticed early on her own expressions of spirituality, and unlike non-religious parents who might ignore or even discourage these expressions, I encouraged and nurtured them. My daughter had a great love of nature and expressed a sense of awe that tied what she encountered to a sense of majesty and the mystical.  I affirmed this.  I was influenced by the writings of Barry and Joyce Visnell who say that our image of An All Powerful and hopefully Loving God is shaped by our early experience of our own parents as all powerful.  This makes much more important how we as parents use power and model just, fair, compassionate and truthful behavior.

I am a leader among West Coast high school Friends, and soon to be part of a lovely team of powerful young Quakers, clerking FGC’s high school program. You don’t get this way by accident. There are choices my mother made as a Quaker parent which led to my growing into my Quaker-ness, and I suspect if one asked my weighty Young f/Friends how they got that way, we’d have similar experiences.  If we really wish to see the Religious Society of Friends continue, Quaker parents must raise Quaker children, and this does not have to mean shoving your beliefs down your kid’s throat. 

It seems Quaker parents rarely tell their children what to believe. However, they often don’t give them the spiritual framework to figure it out themselves, which is oh so necessary for a child exploring their own spiritual life. What I find most horrifying is when we don’t acknowledge our kids as having spiritual thought. As if somehow being a child means they can’t feel the Spirit. Doesn’t that contradict the idea of, “that of God in everyone”?

“Mommy, what is God?” I asked from the 3-year-old booster-seat.

“I can’t tell you,” my mother said. Unsatisfied with this frustrating answer I asked, “Why not?”    

“I could tell you what I think God is, but you’re going to have to form your own definition,” she told me, meeting my eyes thru the baby mirror.  I know that I proceeded to ask my mom for her definition of God, but I couldn’t tell you what she said next, because that isn’t the significance of this memory. This conversation from the back seat on a spring day when I was 3 is still so memorable because this interaction set a precedent for the rest of my life. I knew from that point onward, that my mother would never tell me what to believe.  

When Sara was about 3 or 4 we went to the Olympic Peninsula and camped overnight on a bluff looking out at the rock stacks jutting up in the ocean.  We woke at low tide and walked through the fog out to the base of the now exposed stacks.  The ocean had retreated to reveal starfish, barnacles, and small fish in tide pools swimming to the music of the ocean!  Sara was enchanted!

A number of years later when 7 she announced to me:  “I know what God looks like.”

Some parents would have rushed in with logic about how no one can know what God looks like.  I held my breath and calmly said:     “What does God look like?” 

She then described to me the mystical experience she had on the Peninsula that morning and said solemnly “that’s what God looks like.”  I could only agree and be amazed at her wisdom of recognizing the Presence of the Creator when 3 years old.

            I never set out to teach Sara the testimonies.  I tried to live them and this made them values that were real to her.  Each of us describes below our memories of how some of these things were communicated/learned:

Social Justice: 

When Sara was three, WTO took place in our town.  I decided I would take Sara to the demonstration but leave if it got violent or tear gas was released (this was before all that began.)  How to explain to a three year old what was happening?  She knew who our President was, and most children’s books had Kings as rulers, so I explained to her that there was an important meeting happening in Seattle where Presidents and Kings of other countries were coming together to decide how things like water and food would be made available to people all over the world, and some of the things they wanted to do would make it hard for people to have clean water or enough food.  Sara said,  “We should tell them to share with everyone.”  I told her that the people we were going to walk with would carry signs to make that message to the Kings and Presidents.  When the tear gas started a mile ahead of us I quickly pulled us out of the march and turned around to go home telling her simply “we need to go home now.”  She cried saying “No mommy, I want to see the Kings first.  We have to tell them.”

I think children naturally want to do what is right for all and if you don’t confuse them by doing otherwise they stay with that belief.  Throughout Sara’s life I explained why we bought certain foods or products and not others and what the labor conditions of the workers or the implications for other people were. Politics were constantly discussed at our dinner table.

I am an Activist. Most 16 years olds will not own up to that yet.  One of my frustrations with our faith is that not all Quakers are Activists, but I believe the words should be synonymous. When social justice is a testimony of our faith and we believe in peace, equality, integrity, and stewardship why would we not stand up for these?  I was taught to. Partly out of being born with a rebellious spirit, but largely due to my mom’s example.  I still remember WTO protest and many other protests. I was taught that if you want justice in this world you must seek it through non-violent revolution and that it doesn’t get done any other way.

Peace:

 My own parents, also Quakers, would not let my sister and me have toy guns or even water pistols growing up.  I resented the water pistols part so when Sara was little I got her a plastic fish that squirted water.  I did however always tell her that it was wrong to kill under any circumstances because there was that of God in everyone and that one should not hit or be violent to others either. I also told her that her classmates would believe otherwise because of how they were raised by their parents and prepared her for the idea that beliefs about this differ widely in our society. She never entertained the idea that violence was a way to solve things.  I acknowledge readily to parents of boys that I think this is much more challenging when raising a boy because of the messages in our culture to boys about violence.

The peace testimony is one I’ve watched parents nail bite over, and is perhaps the hardest to teach in a society that worships violence. In the simple logic of my toddler’s mind it wouldn’t make sense to hit another kid in the face for a toy, because then they would hit me, and who wants to get hit in the face? But it’s a little more complex than that; our culture is so saturated in violence that it’s hard to not expose our kids, but that’s the key: exposure. I was not allowed to watch certain TV shows, or movies rated higher due to “violent themes.” I won’t lie: I didn’t like it. When all your other friends with non-religious, non-pacifist, and very American parents get to watch something and you don’t, it’s not fun. But it was those kids that hit each other for building blocks and used violent language.  I’ve grown to appreciate my mother’s sensibilities.

Equality:

I was not allowed to watch Disney as a kid. This was the hardest media sensor of all because little girls love princesses, all my friends loved princesses, and wanted to be one. Of course I eventually saw some of the Disney Princess movies at other little girls’ houses, but that didn’t stop my mom’s intention from living on.  She would tell me;

          “Disney is sexist and racist; all those princesses are always rescued by men, why do they need men to save them?”  I never had an answer for that question. I look back now on my childhood and I frequently tell folks that my mother’s greatest feat as a parent was not allowing me Disney. Because I didn’t watch Disney I didn’t learn from the crows in Dumbo, or the warthog in the Lion king that, people who talk in Ebonics or with a Latin American accent are dumb.  I didn’t learn from the shading differences in lion’s fur that “bad guys” are darker than the other lions. In fact I didn’t learn the concept of “bad guys.” Simultaneously hearing in Children’s meeting that God is in all of us, along with less exposure to stereotyping, I learned equality.

  I did not want Sara to learn good/bad dichotomies or stereotypes about gender and race , but all her friends could watch Disney, and so this was frustrating to her.  I would explain to her what a stereotype was and that these movies had them.  This was uninteresting and unsatisfying to her and I did not think I was getting anywhere, till one day when she was four she was looking at a Disney T shirt of princesses in a store (a previously much coveted item) and she said to me:  “I don’t want this anymore.”  I asked why and she explained:  “There is no princess for Layla” (an African American friend in her preschool).  I knew at that moment that she understood.

Integrity:

 I told Sara it was important to tell the truth and I always told her the truth.  Sometimes I would tell her a subject was too adult and I would not talk about it, but even when I made her promises I would not make them unless I knew I could follow through on them.  I also made clear to her that I expected her to tell the truth and that it was important to me that she not lie.  I realized when she was small that if she did something wrong and I punished her when she told the truth, this would teach her to lie.  So if I asked her something like “How did this get here?  Who spilled this?” or “Who broke this?” and she told me the truth I did not punish her.  I just told her what I wished she had done or expressed my disappointment or other feelings about it.  I also sometimes expressed appreciation that she was telling me the truth. 

As she got older she would sometimes initiate discussions with me about situations with friends where she was struggling to figure out how to act with integrity.  The sincerity with which she examined these things always impressed me, and I wished some adults I knew would give as much thought to their integrity!

Integrity is my favorite testimony; it’s also the hardest to live by 100% of the time, which is why it is my favorite. Every kid will experiment with lying; when I did my mom didn’t get mad, just disappointed. That disappointment was enough to make it feel icky, and it remained so. But integrity is more than simply honesty.

This testimony I learned alongside equality, and in my world they are inseparable. I learned Integrity to myself as female, being spared images of Barbie’s “basketball boobs,” and Disney princesses’ helpless wails. Like violence, it’s about what you expose your kids to.

As a child I played a game with which I still do. When I didn’t like my classmates I’d look for their Light, in trait that wasn’t that awful, or the way they drew with crayons. Now I look for what I can relate too, even if it’s only their teenage insecurity. This is how I learned to treat even the kids I didn’t like with integrity.  

Simplicity:

We all know the United States is a hot bed of consumerism.  The encouragement to want, want, want, and buy, buy, buy, is a trap easy for children to fall into, since advertising is catered toward them. In part I learned simplicity because growing up with a single mom we never had a ton of money, so when I’d ask for luxury grocery items I was denied.  But she would say to me with my bottle of Nutella in hand. “Do you need that?” And I couldn’t make a case for why these things were a necessity, so this logic forced me to put them down. 

From my Aunt Cindy (who is not Quaker) I learned that gifts aren’t always material. Every year she takes me to a show for my birthday, and it’s the best gift she could give me.  My mother lives simply (as Americans go) and I learned by example, but never felt deprived or empty, only fulfilled by life.  

  Like most children Sara wanted toys her classmates had or things she saw advertised on TV.  We had a LOT of dialogues about how and why I was not going to buy most of these items.   I tried to tell her that she had enough and did not need toys that do things for you.. Everyone and their uncle was giving Sara stuffed toys, and when there were 30, I put my foot down!  I told her she had too many to play with and they needed to be loved by someone.  Then I said that from now on if she got another one she would decide whether to keep it and give up one she already had or to just give it away.  She kept to this and as a result we could see some parts of her bed!

If I had to say one thing to Quaker parents it would be that Quaker parenting requires a lot of hard stands, swimming against the tide of popular society, needing to explain a lot of things and having the strength of your convictions, but it also unites with that which is innate in all humans—a sense of fairness and love and wanting good for all.  The results are pretty stunning.

Sara now goes by Alice.  Both belong to Eastside Friends Meeting near Seattle, WA.  Lynn is a therapist and Climate Activist.  Sara Alice has turned 18 since this was written and attending Hampshire College and Mt. Toby Meeting and is a climate activist in her own right.

Diary of a Quaker Climate Activist

I have this goal to post on both my blogs once a month.  But here it is 3 and half hours before the end of the month, and why have I not written a post yet?  Because as a Quaker all of the testimony's directly interconnect with Climate Change.  (An idea already expressed by Eileen Flanagan.)  How can one embrace the Peace Testimony when Climate change will bring wars over water and food?  How can one embrace the testimony on Equality when the first world has created carbon pollution which is creating severe drought and or flooding in the poorest countries in the world.  How can one embrace simplicity while living in the country with the highest carbon foot print in the world (who are we kidding half of China's is ours as they produce our products.)?  How is there integrity in remaining quiet in the face of such a huge threat to all life on the planet?  There are not words for how this violates a testimony on Stewardship!  Thus for all these reasons and many more I have been a climate activist for the last 7 years.

This month past week I have not been able to write because I was networking with other climate organizations and  attending a potluck for people who have signed the CREDO Pledge of Resistance. 76,000 some Americans have signed this Pledge saying that if the State Dept came out recommending that Obama approve the XL pipeline that they would commit civil disobedience to send a loud message to the President:  "No on XL".  The president has said repeatedly he won't approve it if it will contribute to climate change, and yet he approved the southern leg which last week started pumping it's evil and plentiful load to the Gulf Coast to be exported.  We will risk an oil spill and we will incur the carbon in our atmosphere, but we will not get that oil.  He could have said NO to this pipeline yet we waits for reports.  It does not look promising.  Today the State Dept came out with their second highly flawed environmental study within a year's time.  They again claim that there will not be "significant" environmental impacts ALONG the pipeline.  This is such a strange and narrow sense of the environment that joins us as inhabitants of this planet.  They reluctantly admit because there is no way around it that it will effect GHG emissons.   So it seems that in 90 days when the public comment period comment period ends that about 17,600 Americans will be getting arrested in cities all around this country!

I have also not been writing because last Sunday the 350Seattle chapter I helped to start (last May) held a demonstration on Sunday on the railroad tracks.  We were symbolically blocking the oil trains that are being planned to travel through downtown Seattle - 24 a week!  Because the pipelines were not working or approved yet the oil companies started shipping Bakken Shale on them about a year ago.  In the last 9 months 6, yes 6, trains have exploded.  In one case in the center of a small town in Canada killing 47 people! This shale which has been fracked, from deep within the earth's core, has unstable gases in it which have now been found to easily explode at over 73 degrees!  These oil trains are suppose to go through a tunnel that travels beneath our downtown core and two blocks from our huge sports stadium which can hold 72,000 people!  That is the stadium that you can see in the background of this photo:

That night the HUB (steering committee) of our 350 group met in my living room for a potluck and we told stories of civil disobedience to each other.  We were planning a panel for later in Feb on civil disobedience to help people think about this...because between the XL pipeline and the exploding oil trains and the dirty coal trains also shipping through Seattle (2 went by during our hour long demonstration!) there are a lot of reasons to get arrested these days.  There were a lot of things behind my Hat Honor post of last month where I asked people what they cared deeply enough about to be commit Holy Obedience.

On Wed we met again to plan the general 350 meeting we will have this coming Wed, and the meeting we will have with the newly elected Mayor to ask him to please stop the oil trains and coal trains coming through Seattle and to complete the job, started by our previous Mayor of divesting Seattle's funds from investments in fossil fuel.

Today all I thought I was going to do was go to Seattle's local rally against TPP - a national Day of Action. 350 Seattle has had a work group against the TransPacific Partnership since we started.  While TPP is terrible for labor, for health, for internet neutrality, for intellectual property, democratic sovereignty and yes the environment in general....It is killer for climate change.   If we don't stop TPP we might as well not fight all the things above.  Why do I say this?  Because under the Investor Rights chapter, released to Wikileaks because the whole thing has been negotiated in secret and not even released to Congress who will vote on whether to "fast track it", (meaning up or down vote no amendments on a trade agreement they cannot see), we see a huge corporate power grab taking place.  Just like under NAFTA corporations can sue to a court made up of three judges (with higher standing than any countries own courts) and claim that their "investor rights" (the right to profit!) is being violated by laws (environmental, labor or privacy) of that country!  So even if XL pipeline is not approved, if the TPP goes through, then Morgan Stanley can sue in this court and win the right to build the pipeline, and fracking companies can sue and on and on ....it is nightmare.  So I went to a great demonstration today that brought together union people, environmentalists, children, retired people, people of color, health care workers, etc.  If nothing else the fights for Climate Justice are uniting people who have fought their battle's separately for years.

I thought that demo and writing this blog was all I would do today.  But then the State Dept came out today with its unfortunate ruling and kinda put a lot of stuff on my calendar for the next 100 days.  It means we will have a big demonstration on Monday demanding Obama say No on XL.  People all around the country will be demonstrating Monday.  It also means I will be at an emergency meeting tomorrow to plan it.  Sunday I will not get to go to my Meeting.  I will be at the local Unitarian Church giving a talk on Climate Change scheduled long ago...and again at another church this Thurs.

I keep thinking that things will slow down after this thing or that.  But that does not seem to be the case.  But my nightly prayer for years has been that we as a people will make good choices about climate change and that God will make good use of me.  Some people say they don't know what to do about climate change.  That has not been my experience, I find that if you open yourself there are more than enough things to do about it.

Peace,
Lynn

The Quaker and the Buddhist

Many Buddhists have crossed my path in the last decade.  Not a surprise really when you note the commonalities between Quaker's and Buddhists.  The most obvious is the form of worship...silent meditation although the goal and the intent is somewhat different in that silence.  Quaker's intentions are to clear the space to know God's mind.  Buddhists do not believe in God precisely, but see meditation as a discipline of the mind and a path to loving compassion.  Both Faiths hold high the pursuit of Truth.  As I jokingly like to tell my Buddhist friends, unlike Quakers, Buddhists number everything and find 4 this and 8 that and 4 subsets of the eight, etc.

Buddhists say that the way to end suffering is the eightfold path.  I'm fascinated by how the eightfold path is both similar and different from Quakerism and below are my reflections on the eightfold path.

1. Right Understanding: Learning the the nature of reality and the truth about life.

Early Friends called themselves Friends of the Truth, or Publishers of Truth and saw their role as to seek and know God and God's will and to be absolutely faithful to this.  This is still why we gather in silent worship.

2. Right Aspiration Making the commitment to living in such a way that our suffering can end.

Quakers have testimony's which we say are the truth as we know it.  We have a firm believe in continuing revelation and so believe that no statement of Truth can ever be final.  But the testimonies which we do have are our statement of the truth as we currently know it and as such we commit to trying to live them out to the best of our ability.  I have noticed that Quaker's really beat themselves up and guilt trip themselves about the failure to do that.  Because of another Buddhist belief numbered in 4 that has to do with stepping away from ego I think Buddhists do a better job of accepting their short comings in reaching their aspirations.  (Or maybe I only think so because they have 4 reasons not to get caught in ego about this endeavor.)

Interestingly non-violence is one of the right aspirations of Buddhism...which of course coincidentally is one of the truths that Quakers have also been lead to.

3.  Right Effort Just Do It. No Excuses.  Be in Wholesomeness.

Hmmm... well that would seem to contradict what I just said above wouldn't it.  I must say it is a trait I like about Buddhists that they live in a very committed and dedicated way in the world.  Although I suppose from the outside many would say the same about Quaker's going to prison to avoid conscription, or for not taking off their hat to the King etc.  This is also said by Buddhist to mean no taking of life, no stealing and no sexual misconduct.  So again Buddhist and Quakers share a commitment to non-violence but because of how it is stated this means vegetarianism for Buddhist, but not for Quakers. (Although many Quakers have made that logical connection.)  Somehow not stealing just seems hardly worth discussing if you are trying to live peacefully with others.  I have not heard Quaker's talking about sexual misconduct, so I do not know if this is an issue we should be examining or not?

4.  Right Speech Speaking the truth in a helpful and compassionate way.

I have seen this written in other Buddhist contexts as a commitment not to lie, be divisive, abusive or to gossip.  It is interesting that it focuses on speech since early Quakers used thee and thy differently than the rest of the population in an attempt to not make class distinctions and to treat all people as equal.  They also refused to swear oaths because those implied that truth was only spoken sometimes and we had "one standard of truth" to be spoken at all times.  Our testimony on integrity is all about truth telling and Quakers are very committed to only telling the Truth as well as applying non-violence to our language.  However, I think we could stand to examine the Buddhist challenge to not gossip or be divisive because....well I think we are a little prone in that direction, Friends.

5.  Right Conduct Living a life consistent with our values.

Well this again would seem like the emphasis Quakers put on trying to live out our testimonies, to live by the truth that has been given to us.  It also points to the Quaker idea that if you follow a leading (an opening to the Truth) that you will be lead into greater Truth, and that you must also listen for the end of a leading so that you do not "outrun your Light, or your Guide."   Quaker's talk about things as being "rightly ordered" which means that it does with prayerful attention and listen to the Light, not out of ego or pride.

6.  Right Livelihood Earning a living in a way that doesn't hurt others.

Early American Quakers gave up slaves 100 years before the rest of the US because they were lead into the corporate truth that this was a violence against other human beings.  Early Friends in England were farmers and business men because they were due to religious restrictions not allowed in many other professions.  As such they started universal pricing (instead of bargaining) so there would be one truth about the value of things.  They have for the most part avoided professions in defense, gambling, production and marketing of addictive substances, etc. as inconsistent with the Truth as they knew it.  Buddhist similarly were urged not to work in the sale of weapons, people, meat, intoxicants, poison, etc.

7.  Right Mindfulness Recognizing the value of the moment; living where we are.
This is one I think Quakers could stand to benefit from paying some attention to.  For the most part I think our seeking is sort of outward, to know God.  It is not reflective upon the very moment, and yet in my personal experience it is a very attuned awareness to the moment that I can most clearly see God speaking.

8.  Right Concentration Expanding our consciousness through meditation.
Again this I think is where the path of Buddhism separates from Quakerism.  Quakers are for the most part fairly undisciplined about how we meditate and in fact I have heard long term Quakers still expression confusion or discomfort about what they do in the silence.